Begining Again
Well, I have decided to begin again, my quest, for love and this time, the kind of love I have always wanted. I realize that these past few months have been very painful for me and depressing and yet I have grown to know myself again, deeply. While I miss him, I have missed other needs in my life the past 15 years~more, really. The love I desire and a presence in my life of a lover who is mulit-facted gnaws at me to my core.
It is important for me to express myself right away about my needs. While I have 'played' - I have not had anyone take me seriously in years about my need for a firm~old fashioned~relationship and household~where he is in charge~in a loving and exacting way~not in a dominating or overshadowing wat.
When I have been moody and swinging with temper, so many times, I have waited and longed to be taken over 'his knee and given the spanking I deserved'- to be lovingly disciplined, molded, punished and made right as a woman of elegance and grace and not a screaming, bitchy brat.
That is the trouble now. To be 'strong,' women think they must be bitches and that is sooooo not right!
It is so hard to put it all into words and make sense of what you cannot even understand yourself most times.
To hear from your lover that he desires you as his sensual and sexual being and that you are the most beautiful woman he has ever been with and to feel him become aroused so quickly and to have him deep within you is an act of submission in some ways to me~being held down and taken~ravished for all his pleasure, gives me mine as well, my screams and squeals ecohing around the room. Yet, there is something more~something missing even with all of that.
Through my research and reading, I have found what is called DD. It is not B/D or S/M which I have played at and enjoyed on occasion, rarer as I have gooten older~or maybe that is because it is lack of the right partner.
This is lifestyle, I am talking about, not just games on occasion~but a consistant and committed way of living with the right man ~ that is the one I have been seeking.
I am not a slave. I just need 'my man' to take charge of me when I am swinging or rude or disobedient. Spanking and paddling is what I am desiring and needing~not the tools of the 'scene.'
I also want a relationship where we recognize each others talents and strengths as well as weaknesses. We love, unconditionally, despite our imperfections and learn from them and grow as people and as a couple. We love passionately and honour one another and respect each other as unique and special people.
I need to be with one that I can communicate my needs to which I have not done well at before because I have felt shut out from them. When ever I would try~I would be told~'NO, that is not what you want~" Like anyone can know that! So, I shut down and just stop trying!
This partner of mine will continue to learn about what makes me tick inside. And want to know me intimately-soulfully.
I want to be able to give my consent , from the trust and love I have for him, to relenquish to him his right to discipline and punish me when he deems it neccasary and I know, it will not always be easy. I am spirited and strong. Yet the cravings are deep and and a strong man is wise enough to tame this shrew! (Although, that is not the right word for me~butterfly or falcon~tiger or fox~suits me better! )
I know I will test him, and fight him, and know that it will be all the worse for me when I do. We will make some mistakes, that is true, as we try to define it all for ourselves.
We will have to set our rules for living this DD life and some of that will be trial and error but to keep a happy home and relationship is what I am dedicated and commited to when (and if ) I find him.
I just want to be able to be accomplished for him, feminie, and show him I can be obedient. I need to be patient with myself and towards others. I want to know the sound of his voice and all its inuendos~and when he he is angry and dissapointed in me ~I will know from that voice, that look and I will deserve all that awaits me. I know that I have brought it all upon myself for not meeting my own goals as a partner, woman and lover.
In love, I will be forgiven.
It is important for me to express myself right away about my needs. While I have 'played' - I have not had anyone take me seriously in years about my need for a firm~old fashioned~relationship and household~where he is in charge~in a loving and exacting way~not in a dominating or overshadowing wat.
When I have been moody and swinging with temper, so many times, I have waited and longed to be taken over 'his knee and given the spanking I deserved'- to be lovingly disciplined, molded, punished and made right as a woman of elegance and grace and not a screaming, bitchy brat.
That is the trouble now. To be 'strong,' women think they must be bitches and that is sooooo not right!
It is so hard to put it all into words and make sense of what you cannot even understand yourself most times.
To hear from your lover that he desires you as his sensual and sexual being and that you are the most beautiful woman he has ever been with and to feel him become aroused so quickly and to have him deep within you is an act of submission in some ways to me~being held down and taken~ravished for all his pleasure, gives me mine as well, my screams and squeals ecohing around the room. Yet, there is something more~something missing even with all of that.
Through my research and reading, I have found what is called DD. It is not B/D or S/M which I have played at and enjoyed on occasion, rarer as I have gooten older~or maybe that is because it is lack of the right partner.
This is lifestyle, I am talking about, not just games on occasion~but a consistant and committed way of living with the right man ~ that is the one I have been seeking.
I am not a slave. I just need 'my man' to take charge of me when I am swinging or rude or disobedient. Spanking and paddling is what I am desiring and needing~not the tools of the 'scene.'
I also want a relationship where we recognize each others talents and strengths as well as weaknesses. We love, unconditionally, despite our imperfections and learn from them and grow as people and as a couple. We love passionately and honour one another and respect each other as unique and special people.
I need to be with one that I can communicate my needs to which I have not done well at before because I have felt shut out from them. When ever I would try~I would be told~'NO, that is not what you want~" Like anyone can know that! So, I shut down and just stop trying!
This partner of mine will continue to learn about what makes me tick inside. And want to know me intimately-soulfully.
I want to be able to give my consent , from the trust and love I have for him, to relenquish to him his right to discipline and punish me when he deems it neccasary and I know, it will not always be easy. I am spirited and strong. Yet the cravings are deep and and a strong man is wise enough to tame this shrew! (Although, that is not the right word for me~butterfly or falcon~tiger or fox~suits me better! )
I know I will test him, and fight him, and know that it will be all the worse for me when I do. We will make some mistakes, that is true, as we try to define it all for ourselves.
We will have to set our rules for living this DD life and some of that will be trial and error but to keep a happy home and relationship is what I am dedicated and commited to when (and if ) I find him.
I just want to be able to be accomplished for him, feminie, and show him I can be obedient. I need to be patient with myself and towards others. I want to know the sound of his voice and all its inuendos~and when he he is angry and dissapointed in me ~I will know from that voice, that look and I will deserve all that awaits me. I know that I have brought it all upon myself for not meeting my own goals as a partner, woman and lover.
In love, I will be forgiven.
Labels: Begining Again
posted by deepwithinme at 5:36 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home