Continued

So, the waiting is on and makes it all the worse! I can be sweet, submissive, adoring and on task! If I could find him~I could prove this without hesitation! There must be one awesome man out there in this universe that could 'get' me and want me and understand this life I am expressing!

I am just a bit nervous, though, of what I call 'the fall into the SM trap...this true DD/Spanking regime is different to me and I hope I can get there with someone special and it can be maintained!
I hope that if I find him, he will come to understand and desire it and find the need for it as I do. Ritual and consistancy are key.

As for maintenance-what am I looking to be included with that? Routine-my routine-a weekly/bi weekly check of what I need to do. Did I make all my appointments, complete all my tasks, excercise as promised, eat better, behave generally well, ladylike, always and keep my grooming as he desires...these are the types of things I want help with. I do not exspect to be punished everytime I make one small mistake or what have you but these are the things I need discipline for- to be more disciplined about.

I would like the maintenace to be the same day/time and to be given some things to reflect upon as well as being asked of any transgressions-to be cleansed and soundly spanked as a reminder of what I am to do and how I am to do it as welll as behavior modification.

Punishment, of course, needs to be much harsher and those would be things such as major melt downs, rudeness, deviant rule breaking, what have you.
As we explore and learn what is best for us, we will perfect our needs and desires to make our life more complete for both of us and our relationship passionate and full.

Funny thing, this morning, as I tried my new boudoir paddle on my hand, about 6 sharp hand swats ~they stung but also felt good in a tingling way but they hurt a little as well and I thought- O my G! This spanking thing will really hurt . I mean you know it will but you forget how much and what I think is funny about alot of SM people-they do not realize it. That a good, hard spanking, paddling, strapping can hurt as much or more than all the whips and floggers and dungeon items. Like spanking is only for the meek and mild! Well! They never had their mom beat them with the handle of a riding crop or a switch off the tree that left huge welts and bleeding stripes, that is abuse, the way that would occur-no aim or measure-just flaying aimlessly in her fury! No meathodical, timed teaching the lesson sort of cp. Now, that is how one needs to give a discipline spanking! Not for the so meek and mild!

What I crave and need-the scolding, the accountibilty and I know I must give in to it-take the pain and the scolding and the shame when I am spanked.

What I hope is that we will get to a point that there will be certain impelments reserved for particular infractions and that some items represent more loving discipline while others I feel are for those times that just send the message- you have pushed the envelope now and you are going to just be punished hard and without much care. I do not mean he will not be caring for me or be brutal but those times of - bend over now and take it without discussion~kind of times. Trully, I hope I do not find myself in that position often.

I am hoping that all of this DD will keep me in check and help with my temper and stress! Meditation! Well, this is my meditation, medication and then some.

Will my man, if Ifind him, be able to rise to the task? Will he love me, us, enough to keep me in line and help me bring out the best in my womanhood? The woman I am deep within? The sweet, caring , attentive, loving , feminine, elegant one and not the volitile, tempermental, moody, bitch? That is my goal and I want to be the better one for myself, him, us and the children.

Last night, I was asked by someone I chat with~what do I bring to a relationship...here is my list of adjectives ...my intelligence, my talent, my love, loyalty, passion, creativity, sense of humour, empathy and he says...ok, that is not what I wanted to hear~well, what were you asking? Articulate then!
Tell me what you want, I sometimes need to hear it from him~he should be safe to tell me-this is what I want or need!
And as I learn his voice, I know what it can do to me, make me melt and become docile...that voice that makes me open up to him right away, wthouth hesitation.
Whenever I am spoken to in a certain tone by the man I love, it touches me in an instant, I am wet and wanting. (little slut, I am)
It is so thrilling if the chemistry is right and the voice becomes a tool like that and it nurtures his ego.
It makes me so hot and wanting! I am one to not deny my man~I feel that being accesible to him is my gift to him~my body will belong to him.

Besides, to deny him is to deny myself and I hope if I ever do in a moment of brattiness and sulking that it will not be allowed or I will be punished instantly adn perhpas, further still, by denying me. To play games like that with my man, should never be tolerated and I know women who do it. It makes no sense to me!
If he so desires to just take me, thrust into me, when I am barely ready, well, yes, it sends chills down my spine and I cannot help myself but to start O almost right away. This is something I have only experienced with one lover and it has kept me aroused all these years when I think about it.
I must admit, I am guilty, as many women are, of playing the game~ finding ways to not have sex or to rush it to an end as I found little pleasure in it. But with 'my man, master,' he will touch something so deep in my soul, my heart, my loins, will always be quivering...and this is what I hope we shall keep between us all our years together.
I would commit those years to be for the rest of our lives and into eternity...if he is the one...is it possible? I wonder sometimes but do not give up hope.
I want to be committed to being his chatel! There is a term that thrills me so when I am being taken! Or 'his pet' when I am a good girl and am being stroked and spoiled for being so!

There is one last thing I want to say to him..."please love me when you punish me , please allow me to lose some grace as we venture together to this new place, allow me time to refelct and even be a baby....you know how I never cry.. but one day, I hope, we shall have that release for me... that I am able to open up so completely that you are able to take me down and allow me to let go, free me of my tormented soul.
I know you will try to understand me and connected with me in all ways...I want you to be insightful, taking the time to care enough to know me, penetrate my heart and soul...