ok...here goes...from previous letter-
this is something so hard to explain and I do not even know how many 100s of times when I am losing control or being really diffacult and I do not even know why---something just possesses me and sometimes I can get control back and sometimes it takes charge of me and that is when I need 'you'. I have wanted this all my life---this strong, capable man---that I was in love with to know this---to understand it and just take charge of me but I can never get it to happen. it either becomes a fight, or abuse or the 'scene' that happens and it is all wrong-none of that works. to have you say in that voice and tone"you need to calm down" and to give me the look that tells me- yes- I need to or I will find myself bent over-or over your knee` with my skirit up/panites down...the choice is always mine. other times- I might just hear you say..."Wait until I get you home..." because I went too far to even get a choice! watch me squirm then!
will I test you? yes and consitancey will rule
will I fight you? sometimes and you must not back down
sometimes you might even have to say to me- you are getting it no matter and you will come to me when you are ready-the longer you wait- the worse it can be or if you continue to fight-I will add the cane `
other times- you might just take me and force it on me
Ritual...not sure what that is about either....I can remember thinking about these things as young as the age of 10 or maybe younger...and I found the scene and I thought YES!
but it is NO! And I kept searching and trying to make the feelings go away and as I learned more about the scene---I found that is sexual play to me not lifestyle or the lifestyle I want.
and that is why I worry now because that is what I always end up finding in a mate and that is not what I want!So, frustrating!
So, here is another thought-should one punish in anger? I do not know-you might need to calm down and yet if you are steady and not abusive- punishing in anger might be fine for both of us if we were out and I was getting fiesty and you could not say anything- you would still have a signal that says- you are stepping over the line...and I would find myself quieting down and maybe even squirming-
I think it is fair sometimes for me to have the choice in managing my behavior
Masuclinity and strength are also vital yet you must also be loving and givng and that is the perfect balance
so many are just bullies-forcing their brutness-that is not it-it is the strength you posses to pull me towards you and the voice that with just a few words shakes me to my foundation. I am not trying to dictate hee, just wanting to explanin what it is and what it does for me.
the humilitation of being punished is part of it, knowng I dissapointed you-as I work harder to please you and be obedient- the fact that I let you down and must make you punish me is part of it
my desire to please you and when I miss it feeling ashamed even without the spanking...it sets my mood up for recieving it gracefully and as a woman to be a woman for you in all ways...feminine, pretty, gentle...are all important to me.
when I am crass or rude or too loud---those are not good qualities I want to have...I also want to be valued as your equal and cherished for what I am and am able to give to us
being scolded before and after and being made to reflect upon my actions and disobedience is another element that brings shame- it is worse than the spanking in the pyschological way
as times goes on - we would get in sync and I think you will find other ways to add to my punishments...and it should be something that I do not like to be effective as much as I might protest and complain and to do that---will only add to my punsishemnt- I need to learn that it will do me no good-to submit and obey is the feminine and loving way to be to you , my man and master
the physical act is very real to me-that is why I have purchased these 2 spanking implements -they are discipline/punishment tools-they are not dungeon toys (that is why I went for the burgundy and not black!)
hand, paddles, straps--- are ---do not ask me why---I do not know. leather over wood---(the dreaded hairbrush! Nothing erotic about that!)
do not know why(whips and crops are not and the cane is still in question)
as for the cane, well I had some very bad experiences with it from one who did not use it right and was out of control with it in a dungeon scene-I am hoping that if you need to use it, you will be able to use it better as a punishment tool- to tell me to bend over, lift my skirt for 10 of the best (something like that)
for you to understand that I am taking it as I should and acknowledging your mastering of me not as a bully/top/chauvanist but as my loving teacher/husband/lover who guides me to be my best for myself, for you and for us
to make my bottom red, to have me squirming and sore-really unable to sit comfortably at times are goals of the spanking and sometmes it is more severe than other times depending on the infraction (harsher punishment for bigger incidents and especially if it is something repeated- got to learn the lesson)
having you take your belt to me - well- shock waves! The unbuckling, the sound as it swooshes out of the loops, the bending if it and the smacking sound-well-what can I say? That is most effective in one of those-Bend over now-situations-when we are not waiting-I have earned it there and immediate and you will not held back.
perhaps even make me take it out of your pants and hand it to you...knowing we are in a more public place - not the closed bedroom door-would keep me quieter-but what an instant attitude adjustment taht would be!
What if I were to just sas you-well-how effective is it
to be pulled to my feet, suddenly, taken over your lap and starting with your hand-spanked really hard-then made to go and get one of the paddles/straps and having to hand it to yoy, my bottom already sore, but we both know I need more and then after, giving it to me harder still and then putting me in a time out to think about it or order me to write to you about what I had done in my journal of transgressions and punishments~and how it is really bad for our love and relationship when I act that way? But not doing so would be worse~if you let me get away with it~that would be the crack in the foundation!
and do not think I would not sulked a bit or pout but you could remind me---that I am not being as should be---accepting and submissive and to stop or I would get more the same!
but it cannot be the scene or sm-can you see the difference? this is not play, this is real discipline and punishment and behavior modificatin.
as for our home---how shall we set it up? what roles will we have? it is not about you being in charge about it all but yes, you should be able to ask of me things that are reasonable and I should comply without complaint---if there is a reason I cannot- I need to be clear and precise and you might readjust accordingly and sometimes you may not as you may have particualr good reasons in doing so and they might be unknown to me at the time...I ask for your patience and love with this..I have been on my own a long time and made my own decisions...you being in charge of me this way would make me love you all the more and be committed to you and our life together and our happiness but it would be hard sometimes.
I think we would have less petty fighiting if we lived this way. I think our household could be better managed but I am not a slave-there is one of the problems with sm for me. I am your woman-equal to you in all ways-capable and strong
I know you were the master of the house but I am the mistress and you are the disciplinarian and that is what I want from you ---I would want you to take the HOH role. I would agree to your rules and expectations but I also want us to discuss and come to agreements. No major decisions that could change our lives should be made without us discussing as partners but I would concede to your final judgment, knowing you have our best interest at heart.
I need to be respected for my intelligence but I am not the leader.
there are also maintenance spankings- a biweekly or monthly spanking-maybe just using your hand or one less severe instrument....as a time to review what is happening in our lives-these are much less severe and not for major punishment althouhgh little infractions could be included such as "the lights are still being left on, you forgot to get the drycleaning...you need to manage your time better and stay on top of things"(this is an example)
severe punishments---which you and I will know to be defiance, outrageous behavior, temper tantrums, lying, extreme rudeness or disobedience, safety issues-I will always defer to you on punishment, what, how,when-also, afterwards, you must always love me, hold me,hug me...sometimes we might make love and sometimes not but I need your tenderness as well even if you are still upset with me and you plan on having me in timeout or something...
I also ask that you allow me my little silly whims and behaviors and not cut my spirit or take away who I am...I do not think you will though you know I will always be a little crazy and impulsive and free...in a good way...
it is the way we treat each other that is so importantand to have a home of love and peace and laughter and music.
no darkness although I will come to you when I am down and ask you to hold me or when I am afraid or when I feel I need your firmness- I may even ask it of you.
no fighting- if you must say- "it is enough and we will discuss it later"- (because I need to know you will hear me and listen and will allow me to come back to the discussion perhaps when calmer) I will try to obey and if I cannot not---well---we know what will happen!
I will only respect you if you respect me and if your dominance is not about being better or stronger or smarter...ok well, I have alot here and it is overwhelming and it is silly to be talking to a phantom as though he exists when he does not...but if you were here...these are the things I would share with you
why am I soooooooooo complicated?
ok, so this is the note written that gave me the dialogue idea. however, ,Z has yet to respond to this or any writing and I am not sure why!
I love mystery and surprise and I want to be able to think sometimes-
what do you think is going on in that coniving, devilish, complex mind of his? I could only have a bright man!
the agony of wondering and waiting is too much and I am becoming obsessed with my own thoughts now!
will I test you? yes and consitancey will rule
will I fight you? sometimes and you must not back down
sometimes you might even have to say to me- you are getting it no matter and you will come to me when you are ready-the longer you wait- the worse it can be or if you continue to fight-I will add the cane `
other times- you might just take me and force it on me
Ritual...not sure what that is about either....I can remember thinking about these things as young as the age of 10 or maybe younger...and I found the scene and I thought YES!
but it is NO! And I kept searching and trying to make the feelings go away and as I learned more about the scene---I found that is sexual play to me not lifestyle or the lifestyle I want.
and that is why I worry now because that is what I always end up finding in a mate and that is not what I want!So, frustrating!
So, here is another thought-should one punish in anger? I do not know-you might need to calm down and yet if you are steady and not abusive- punishing in anger might be fine for both of us if we were out and I was getting fiesty and you could not say anything- you would still have a signal that says- you are stepping over the line...and I would find myself quieting down and maybe even squirming-
I think it is fair sometimes for me to have the choice in managing my behavior
Masuclinity and strength are also vital yet you must also be loving and givng and that is the perfect balance
so many are just bullies-forcing their brutness-that is not it-it is the strength you posses to pull me towards you and the voice that with just a few words shakes me to my foundation. I am not trying to dictate hee, just wanting to explanin what it is and what it does for me.
the humilitation of being punished is part of it, knowng I dissapointed you-as I work harder to please you and be obedient- the fact that I let you down and must make you punish me is part of it
my desire to please you and when I miss it feeling ashamed even without the spanking...it sets my mood up for recieving it gracefully and as a woman to be a woman for you in all ways...feminine, pretty, gentle...are all important to me.
when I am crass or rude or too loud---those are not good qualities I want to have...I also want to be valued as your equal and cherished for what I am and am able to give to us
being scolded before and after and being made to reflect upon my actions and disobedience is another element that brings shame- it is worse than the spanking in the pyschological way
as times goes on - we would get in sync and I think you will find other ways to add to my punishments...and it should be something that I do not like to be effective as much as I might protest and complain and to do that---will only add to my punsishemnt- I need to learn that it will do me no good-to submit and obey is the feminine and loving way to be to you , my man and master
the physical act is very real to me-that is why I have purchased these 2 spanking implements -they are discipline/punishment tools-they are not dungeon toys (that is why I went for the burgundy and not black!)
hand, paddles, straps--- are ---do not ask me why---I do not know. leather over wood---(the dreaded hairbrush! Nothing erotic about that!)
do not know why(whips and crops are not and the cane is still in question)
as for the cane, well I had some very bad experiences with it from one who did not use it right and was out of control with it in a dungeon scene-I am hoping that if you need to use it, you will be able to use it better as a punishment tool- to tell me to bend over, lift my skirt for 10 of the best (something like that)
for you to understand that I am taking it as I should and acknowledging your mastering of me not as a bully/top/chauvanist but as my loving teacher/husband/lover who guides me to be my best for myself, for you and for us
to make my bottom red, to have me squirming and sore-really unable to sit comfortably at times are goals of the spanking and sometmes it is more severe than other times depending on the infraction (harsher punishment for bigger incidents and especially if it is something repeated- got to learn the lesson)
having you take your belt to me - well- shock waves! The unbuckling, the sound as it swooshes out of the loops, the bending if it and the smacking sound-well-what can I say? That is most effective in one of those-Bend over now-situations-when we are not waiting-I have earned it there and immediate and you will not held back.
perhaps even make me take it out of your pants and hand it to you...knowing we are in a more public place - not the closed bedroom door-would keep me quieter-but what an instant attitude adjustment taht would be!
What if I were to just sas you-well-how effective is it
to be pulled to my feet, suddenly, taken over your lap and starting with your hand-spanked really hard-then made to go and get one of the paddles/straps and having to hand it to yoy, my bottom already sore, but we both know I need more and then after, giving it to me harder still and then putting me in a time out to think about it or order me to write to you about what I had done in my journal of transgressions and punishments~and how it is really bad for our love and relationship when I act that way? But not doing so would be worse~if you let me get away with it~that would be the crack in the foundation!
and do not think I would not sulked a bit or pout but you could remind me---that I am not being as should be---accepting and submissive and to stop or I would get more the same!
but it cannot be the scene or sm-can you see the difference? this is not play, this is real discipline and punishment and behavior modificatin.
as for our home---how shall we set it up? what roles will we have? it is not about you being in charge about it all but yes, you should be able to ask of me things that are reasonable and I should comply without complaint---if there is a reason I cannot- I need to be clear and precise and you might readjust accordingly and sometimes you may not as you may have particualr good reasons in doing so and they might be unknown to me at the time...I ask for your patience and love with this..I have been on my own a long time and made my own decisions...you being in charge of me this way would make me love you all the more and be committed to you and our life together and our happiness but it would be hard sometimes.
I think we would have less petty fighiting if we lived this way. I think our household could be better managed but I am not a slave-there is one of the problems with sm for me. I am your woman-equal to you in all ways-capable and strong
I know you were the master of the house but I am the mistress and you are the disciplinarian and that is what I want from you ---I would want you to take the HOH role. I would agree to your rules and expectations but I also want us to discuss and come to agreements. No major decisions that could change our lives should be made without us discussing as partners but I would concede to your final judgment, knowing you have our best interest at heart.
I need to be respected for my intelligence but I am not the leader.
there are also maintenance spankings- a biweekly or monthly spanking-maybe just using your hand or one less severe instrument....as a time to review what is happening in our lives-these are much less severe and not for major punishment althouhgh little infractions could be included such as "the lights are still being left on, you forgot to get the drycleaning...you need to manage your time better and stay on top of things"(this is an example)
severe punishments---which you and I will know to be defiance, outrageous behavior, temper tantrums, lying, extreme rudeness or disobedience, safety issues-I will always defer to you on punishment, what, how,when-also, afterwards, you must always love me, hold me,hug me...sometimes we might make love and sometimes not but I need your tenderness as well even if you are still upset with me and you plan on having me in timeout or something...
I also ask that you allow me my little silly whims and behaviors and not cut my spirit or take away who I am...I do not think you will though you know I will always be a little crazy and impulsive and free...in a good way...
it is the way we treat each other that is so importantand to have a home of love and peace and laughter and music.
no darkness although I will come to you when I am down and ask you to hold me or when I am afraid or when I feel I need your firmness- I may even ask it of you.
no fighting- if you must say- "it is enough and we will discuss it later"- (because I need to know you will hear me and listen and will allow me to come back to the discussion perhaps when calmer) I will try to obey and if I cannot not---well---we know what will happen!
I will only respect you if you respect me and if your dominance is not about being better or stronger or smarter...ok well, I have alot here and it is overwhelming and it is silly to be talking to a phantom as though he exists when he does not...but if you were here...these are the things I would share with you
why am I soooooooooo complicated?
ok, so this is the note written that gave me the dialogue idea. however, ,Z has yet to respond to this or any writing and I am not sure why!
I love mystery and surprise and I want to be able to think sometimes-
what do you think is going on in that coniving, devilish, complex mind of his? I could only have a bright man!
the agony of wondering and waiting is too much and I am becoming obsessed with my own thoughts now!
posted by deepwithinme at 9:17 AM
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