Could this be me?

ok...here goes...from previous letter-

this is something so hard to explain and I do not even know how many 100s of times when I am losing control or being really diffacult and I do not even know why---something just possesses me and sometimes I can get control back and sometimes it takes charge of me and that is when I need 'you'. I have wanted this all my life---this strong, capable man---that I was in love with to know this---to understand it and just take charge of me but I can never get it to happen. it either becomes a fight, or abuse or the 'scene' that happens and it is all wrong-none of that works. to have you say in that voice and tone"you need to calm down" and to give me the look that tells me- yes- I need to or I will find myself bent over-or over your knee` with my skirit up/panites down...the choice is always mine. other times- I might just hear you say..."Wait until I get you home..." because I went too far to even get a choice! watch me squirm then!

will I test you? yes and consitancey will rule
will I fight you? sometimes and you must not back down
sometimes you might even have to say to me- you are getting it no matter and you will come to me when you are ready-the longer you wait- the worse it can be or if you continue to fight-I will add the cane `
other times- you might just take me and force it on me

Ritual...not sure what that is about either....I can remember thinking about these things as young as the age of 10 or maybe younger...and I found the scene and I thought YES!
but it is NO! And I kept searching and trying to make the feelings go away and as I learned more about the scene---I found that is sexual play to me not lifestyle or the lifestyle I want.
and that is why I worry now because that is what I always end up finding in a mate and that is not what I want!So, frustrating!

So, here is another thought-should one punish in anger? I do not know-you might need to calm down and yet if you are steady and not abusive- punishing in anger might be fine for both of us if we were out and I was getting fiesty and you could not say anything- you would still have a signal that says- you are stepping over the line...and I would find myself quieting down and maybe even squirming-
I think it is fair sometimes for me to have the choice in managing my behavior
Masuclinity and strength are also vital yet you must also be loving and givng and that is the perfect balance
so many are just bullies-forcing their brutness-that is not it-it is the strength you posses to pull me towards you and the voice that with just a few words shakes me to my foundation. I am not trying to dictate hee, just wanting to explanin what it is and what it does for me.
the humilitation of being punished is part of it, knowng I dissapointed you-as I work harder to please you and be obedient- the fact that I let you down and must make you punish me is part of it
my desire to please you and when I miss it feeling ashamed even without the spanking...it sets my mood up for recieving it gracefully and as a woman to be a woman for you in all ways...feminine, pretty, gentle...are all important to me.
when I am crass or rude or too loud---those are not good qualities I want to have...I also want to be valued as your equal and cherished for what I am and am able to give to us
being scolded before and after and being made to reflect upon my actions and disobedience is another element that brings shame- it is worse than the spanking in the pyschological way
as times goes on - we would get in sync and I think you will find other ways to add to my punishments...and it should be something that I do not like to be effective as much as I might protest and complain and to do that---will only add to my punsishemnt- I need to learn that it will do me no good-to submit and obey is the feminine and loving way to be to you , my man and master
the physical act is very real to me-that is why I have purchased these 2 spanking implements -they are discipline/punishment tools-they are not dungeon toys (that is why I went for the burgundy and not black!)
hand, paddles, straps--- are ---do not ask me why---I do not know. leather over wood---(the dreaded hairbrush! Nothing erotic about that!)
do not know why(whips and crops are not and the cane is still in question)
as for the cane, well I had some very bad experiences with it from one who did not use it right and was out of control with it in a dungeon scene-I am hoping that if you need to use it, you will be able to use it better as a punishment tool- to tell me to bend over, lift my skirt for 10 of the best (something like that)
for you to understand that I am taking it as I should and acknowledging your mastering of me not as a bully/top/chauvanist but as my loving teacher/husband/lover who guides me to be my best for myself, for you and for us
to make my bottom red, to have me squirming and sore-really unable to sit comfortably at times are goals of the spanking and sometmes it is more severe than other times depending on the infraction (harsher punishment for bigger incidents and especially if it is something repeated- got to learn the lesson)

having you take your belt to me - well- shock waves! The unbuckling, the sound as it swooshes out of the loops, the bending if it and the smacking sound-well-what can I say? That is most effective in one of those-Bend over now-situations-when we are not waiting-I have earned it there and immediate and you will not held back.
perhaps even make me take it out of your pants and hand it to you...knowing we are in a more public place - not the closed bedroom door-would keep me quieter-but what an instant attitude adjustment taht would be!
What if I were to just sas you-well-how effective is it
to be pulled to my feet, suddenly, taken over your lap and starting with your hand-spanked really hard-then made to go and get one of the paddles/straps and having to hand it to yoy, my bottom already sore, but we both know I need more and then after, giving it to me harder still and then putting me in a time out to think about it or order me to write to you about what I had done in my journal of transgressions and punishments~and how it is really bad for our love and relationship when I act that way? But not doing so would be worse~if you let me get away with it~that would be the crack in the foundation!
and do not think I would not sulked a bit or pout but you could remind me---that I am not being as should be---accepting and submissive and to stop or I would get more the same!
but it cannot be the scene or sm-can you see the difference? this is not play, this is real discipline and punishment and behavior modificatin.

as for our home---how shall we set it up? what roles will we have? it is not about you being in charge about it all but yes, you should be able to ask of me things that are reasonable and I should comply without complaint---if there is a reason I cannot- I need to be clear and precise and you might readjust accordingly and sometimes you may not as you may have particualr good reasons in doing so and they might be unknown to me at the time...I ask for your patience and love with this..I have been on my own a long time and made my own decisions...you being in charge of me this way would make me love you all the more and be committed to you and our life together and our happiness but it would be hard sometimes.

I think we would have less petty fighiting if we lived this way. I think our household could be better managed but I am not a slave-there is one of the problems with sm for me. I am your woman-equal to you in all ways-capable and strong
I know you were the master of the house but I am the mistress and you are the disciplinarian and that is what I want from you ---I would want you to take the HOH role. I would agree to your rules and expectations but I also want us to discuss and come to agreements. No major decisions that could change our lives should be made without us discussing as partners but I would concede to your final judgment, knowing you have our best interest at heart.
I need to be respected for my intelligence but I am not the leader.



there are also maintenance spankings- a biweekly or monthly spanking-maybe just using your hand or one less severe instrument....as a time to review what is happening in our lives-these are much less severe and not for major punishment althouhgh little infractions could be included such as "the lights are still being left on, you forgot to get the drycleaning...you need to manage your time better and stay on top of things"(this is an example)

severe punishments---which you and I will know to be defiance, outrageous behavior, temper tantrums, lying, extreme rudeness or disobedience, safety issues-I will always defer to you on punishment, what, how,when-also, afterwards, you must always love me, hold me,hug me...sometimes we might make love and sometimes not but I need your tenderness as well even if you are still upset with me and you plan on having me in timeout or something...

I also ask that you allow me my little silly whims and behaviors and not cut my spirit or take away who I am...I do not think you will though you know I will always be a little crazy and impulsive and free...in a good way...
it is the way we treat each other that is so importantand to have a home of love and peace and laughter and music.
no darkness although I will come to you when I am down and ask you to hold me or when I am afraid or when I feel I need your firmness- I may even ask it of you.
no fighting- if you must say- "it is enough and we will discuss it later"- (because I need to know you will hear me and listen and will allow me to come back to the discussion perhaps when calmer) I will try to obey and if I cannot not---well---we know what will happen!
I will only respect you if you respect me and if your dominance is not about being better or stronger or smarter...ok well, I have alot here and it is overwhelming and it is silly to be talking to a phantom as though he exists when he does not...but if you were here...these are the things I would share with you
why am I soooooooooo complicated?


ok, so this is the note written that gave me the dialogue idea. however, ,Z has yet to respond to this or any writing and I am not sure why!

I love mystery and surprise and I want to be able to think sometimes-
what do you think is going on in that coniving, devilish, complex mind of his? I could only have a bright man!


the agony of wondering and waiting is too much and I am becoming obsessed with my own thoughts now!

Today's Mottos!

PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue!

BecarefulforwhatyouwishforBecarefulforwhatyouwishforBecarefuleforwhatyouwishfor!

Repeat after me, pet!

The ? today...Will the grass be greener?

Continued

So, the waiting is on and makes it all the worse! I can be sweet, submissive, adoring and on task! If I could find him~I could prove this without hesitation! There must be one awesome man out there in this universe that could 'get' me and want me and understand this life I am expressing!

I am just a bit nervous, though, of what I call 'the fall into the SM trap...this true DD/Spanking regime is different to me and I hope I can get there with someone special and it can be maintained!
I hope that if I find him, he will come to understand and desire it and find the need for it as I do. Ritual and consistancy are key.

As for maintenance-what am I looking to be included with that? Routine-my routine-a weekly/bi weekly check of what I need to do. Did I make all my appointments, complete all my tasks, excercise as promised, eat better, behave generally well, ladylike, always and keep my grooming as he desires...these are the types of things I want help with. I do not exspect to be punished everytime I make one small mistake or what have you but these are the things I need discipline for- to be more disciplined about.

I would like the maintenace to be the same day/time and to be given some things to reflect upon as well as being asked of any transgressions-to be cleansed and soundly spanked as a reminder of what I am to do and how I am to do it as welll as behavior modification.

Punishment, of course, needs to be much harsher and those would be things such as major melt downs, rudeness, deviant rule breaking, what have you.
As we explore and learn what is best for us, we will perfect our needs and desires to make our life more complete for both of us and our relationship passionate and full.

Funny thing, this morning, as I tried my new boudoir paddle on my hand, about 6 sharp hand swats ~they stung but also felt good in a tingling way but they hurt a little as well and I thought- O my G! This spanking thing will really hurt . I mean you know it will but you forget how much and what I think is funny about alot of SM people-they do not realize it. That a good, hard spanking, paddling, strapping can hurt as much or more than all the whips and floggers and dungeon items. Like spanking is only for the meek and mild! Well! They never had their mom beat them with the handle of a riding crop or a switch off the tree that left huge welts and bleeding stripes, that is abuse, the way that would occur-no aim or measure-just flaying aimlessly in her fury! No meathodical, timed teaching the lesson sort of cp. Now, that is how one needs to give a discipline spanking! Not for the so meek and mild!

What I crave and need-the scolding, the accountibilty and I know I must give in to it-take the pain and the scolding and the shame when I am spanked.

What I hope is that we will get to a point that there will be certain impelments reserved for particular infractions and that some items represent more loving discipline while others I feel are for those times that just send the message- you have pushed the envelope now and you are going to just be punished hard and without much care. I do not mean he will not be caring for me or be brutal but those times of - bend over now and take it without discussion~kind of times. Trully, I hope I do not find myself in that position often.

I am hoping that all of this DD will keep me in check and help with my temper and stress! Meditation! Well, this is my meditation, medication and then some.

Will my man, if Ifind him, be able to rise to the task? Will he love me, us, enough to keep me in line and help me bring out the best in my womanhood? The woman I am deep within? The sweet, caring , attentive, loving , feminine, elegant one and not the volitile, tempermental, moody, bitch? That is my goal and I want to be the better one for myself, him, us and the children.

Last night, I was asked by someone I chat with~what do I bring to a relationship...here is my list of adjectives ...my intelligence, my talent, my love, loyalty, passion, creativity, sense of humour, empathy and he says...ok, that is not what I wanted to hear~well, what were you asking? Articulate then!
Tell me what you want, I sometimes need to hear it from him~he should be safe to tell me-this is what I want or need!
And as I learn his voice, I know what it can do to me, make me melt and become docile...that voice that makes me open up to him right away, wthouth hesitation.
Whenever I am spoken to in a certain tone by the man I love, it touches me in an instant, I am wet and wanting. (little slut, I am)
It is so thrilling if the chemistry is right and the voice becomes a tool like that and it nurtures his ego.
It makes me so hot and wanting! I am one to not deny my man~I feel that being accesible to him is my gift to him~my body will belong to him.

Besides, to deny him is to deny myself and I hope if I ever do in a moment of brattiness and sulking that it will not be allowed or I will be punished instantly adn perhpas, further still, by denying me. To play games like that with my man, should never be tolerated and I know women who do it. It makes no sense to me!
If he so desires to just take me, thrust into me, when I am barely ready, well, yes, it sends chills down my spine and I cannot help myself but to start O almost right away. This is something I have only experienced with one lover and it has kept me aroused all these years when I think about it.
I must admit, I am guilty, as many women are, of playing the game~ finding ways to not have sex or to rush it to an end as I found little pleasure in it. But with 'my man, master,' he will touch something so deep in my soul, my heart, my loins, will always be quivering...and this is what I hope we shall keep between us all our years together.
I would commit those years to be for the rest of our lives and into eternity...if he is the one...is it possible? I wonder sometimes but do not give up hope.
I want to be committed to being his chatel! There is a term that thrills me so when I am being taken! Or 'his pet' when I am a good girl and am being stroked and spoiled for being so!

There is one last thing I want to say to him..."please love me when you punish me , please allow me to lose some grace as we venture together to this new place, allow me time to refelct and even be a baby....you know how I never cry.. but one day, I hope, we shall have that release for me... that I am able to open up so completely that you are able to take me down and allow me to let go, free me of my tormented soul.
I know you will try to understand me and connected with me in all ways...I want you to be insightful, taking the time to care enough to know me, penetrate my heart and soul...

Begining Again

Well, I have decided to begin again, my quest, for love and this time, the kind of love I have always wanted. I realize that these past few months have been very painful for me and depressing and yet I have grown to know myself again, deeply. While I miss him, I have missed other needs in my life the past 15 years~more, really. The love I desire and a presence in my life of a lover who is mulit-facted gnaws at me to my core.
It is important for me to express myself right away about my needs. While I have 'played' - I have not had anyone take me seriously in years about my need for a firm~old fashioned~relationship and household~where he is in charge~in a loving and exacting way~not in a dominating or overshadowing wat.
When I have been moody and swinging with temper, so many times, I have waited and longed to be taken over 'his knee and given the spanking I deserved'- to be lovingly disciplined, molded, punished and made right as a woman of elegance and grace and not a screaming, bitchy brat.
That is the trouble now. To be 'strong,' women think they must be bitches and that is sooooo not right!
It is so hard to put it all into words and make sense of what you cannot even understand yourself most times.

To hear from your lover that he desires you as his sensual and sexual being and that you are the most beautiful woman he has ever been with and to feel him become aroused so quickly and to have him deep within you is an act of submission in some ways to me~being held down and taken~ravished for all his pleasure, gives me mine as well, my screams and squeals ecohing around the room. Yet, there is something more~something missing even with all of that.

Through my research and reading, I have found what is called DD. It is not B/D or S/M which I have played at and enjoyed on occasion, rarer as I have gooten older~or maybe that is because it is lack of the right partner.
This is lifestyle, I am talking about, not just games on occasion~but a consistant and committed way of living with the right man ~ that is the one I have been seeking.
I am not a slave. I just need 'my man' to take charge of me when I am swinging or rude or disobedient. Spanking and paddling is what I am desiring and needing~not the tools of the 'scene.'
I also want a relationship where we recognize each others talents and strengths as well as weaknesses. We love, unconditionally, despite our imperfections and learn from them and grow as people and as a couple. We love passionately and honour one another and respect each other as unique and special people.

I need to be with one that I can communicate my needs to which I have not done well at before because I have felt shut out from them. When ever I would try~I would be told~'NO, that is not what you want~" Like anyone can know that! So, I shut down and just stop trying!

This partner of mine will continue to learn about what makes me tick inside. And want to know me intimately-soulfully.

I want to be able to give my consent , from the trust and love I have for him, to relenquish to him his right to discipline and punish me when he deems it neccasary and I know, it will not always be easy. I am spirited and strong. Yet the cravings are deep and and a strong man is wise enough to tame this shrew! (Although, that is not the right word for me~butterfly or falcon~tiger or fox~suits me better! )

I know I will test him, and fight him, and know that it will be all the worse for me when I do. We will make some mistakes, that is true, as we try to define it all for ourselves.
We will have to set our rules for living this DD life and some of that will be trial and error but to keep a happy home and relationship is what I am dedicated and commited to when (and if ) I find him.

I just want to be able to be accomplished for him, feminie, and show him I can be obedient. I need to be patient with myself and towards others. I want to know the sound of his voice and all its inuendos~and when he he is angry and dissapointed in me ~I will know from that voice, that look and I will deserve all that awaits me. I know that I have brought it all upon myself for not meeting my own goals as a partner, woman and lover.
In love, I will be forgiven.